


Making Love (and Assholes) Great Again

by psychomachia



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 08:04:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13026768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychomachia/pseuds/psychomachia
Summary: Donald is totally saving the world with his hot Russian vampire boyfriend and anyone who says anything else is a stupid moron.





	1. Immortal Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hauntedd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedd/gifts).



[AN: Thanks to no one for this story - I did it all my own so suck it haters!!!! Good reviews only if you leave me bad ones you are A LOSER LIBERAL WHO IS PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS of me and my awesomeness!!!! Hey, Steve!!!!]

Hi my name is Donald Amazing Winning Huge Trump and I am the sexiest man in the world with tawny hair and the biggest hands and a huge penis (that's how I got my name) and a lot of people tell me I look like myself because I'm the best (and only stupid losers would think different – no morons allowed here get out now). I'm not related to Steven Seagal but I kick as much ass as him and people tell me this all the time. I'm a New Yorker but I'm not a liberal loser like some of them. I'm also the President and I live in Washington at this place called the White House which has a lot of bathrooms but is kind of sad because so many losers have lived there and they won't let me paint it all gold and get rid of old stupid statues to make it classy. I'm a Republican (because liberals are whining losers who say stupid, mean things about people at dinners) and I wear awesome suits that are perfect. For example today I was wearing a blue jacket and black pants and a bright blue tie and people were making fun of me because they were jealous losers. I also had in my best shiny white teeth which also fit perfectly. I was walking in the White House waiting for my Diet Coke. A lot of liberal losers stared at me earlier. I had them arrested and locked up.

“Hey Donald,” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Vladdy Putin! The hottest, sexiest man in the world (besides me).

“What's up Vladdy?” I asked because I was cool and everyone wants me.

“ничего.” he said shyly.

But then I heard Kellyanne Conway call me and I had to go talk to some stupid people about stupid things like balancing the budget and reconcilation and blah blah blah oh my god this is what I pay people to do these things (okay I don't pay them but I tell them to do it).

* * *

 The next day I woke up in my bedroom. I got out of bed and ate two Filet of Fishes and two Big Macs that the chef PERSONALLY makes for me. My bed is solid gold and it is super classy and rich and you could never afford it because you don't work hard like I do probably because you're a loser. Melania says it must be uncomfortable but what does she know because she doesn't sleep in it because she whines too much about me touching her and says we already have one kid and that was the deal. Instead I put on another classy suit and combed my very real awesome hair.

My friend Steven (AN: Steve this is you!) walked in then and stared at me. He is also a good-looking powerful man though not as sexy as me. He was wearing his favorite all black outfit that does not make him look like a drunk Grim Reaper. We talked about fake news for a while because they all suck. That's why Steve says I should only listen to him.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Vladdy Putin yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Shut up!” I said. But we didn't see that loser Mueller so it was cool. John says I'm not supposed to be hanging out with hot Russian vampires and to focus on things like getting rid of the illegals but he doesn't understand TRUE LOVE so he can suck it.

“Do you like Vladdy?” he asked as we walked around that awesome hidden room in the White House where they keep the killer robots that will help us build my great wall that will solve all of our border problems.

“No I so fucking don't!” I shouted because what if the robots were bugged by the CHURCH LADY and he was trying to catch me and take away my phone?

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. “We all saw the tapes.” Steve says a friend of his named Mike also saw the tapes (not the other Mike who hangs out in my house and he says is kind of a douche), but he's cool so it's okay.

Just then, Vladdy appeared in a puff of smoke because he's a super hot vampire like all Russians are. I wish I was a super hot vampire, but I'm AMERICAN so I'm just a PATRIOT (who can shapeshift into a GIANT EAGLE!)

"Привет." he said.

"Hi." I replied, scowling sexily at him.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Steven Seagal is having a concert in D.C.." he told me because he is cool and he knows things that I don't probably because he has special vampire abilities that allow him to know what America is up to.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I said. Casey Ryback killed so many terrorists on boats and trains and airplanes that he is a TRUE AMERICAN HERO!

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I didn't yell because I'm manly and cool but inside I was screaming OMG because Vladdy is so hot and Russia is so cool and we could be together 4EVER.

* * *

That night I put on my baby blue jacket and black pants with yellow tie. I made sure my hair was on straight and my teeth were glued in. I was feeling a little nervous then so I tweeted two hundred tweets about how CNN was a loser and that we should arrest everyone who lies and it made me feel better. I was supposed to read some bills or something but it was boring so I just told Mike to do it and then I snuck out after drinking six Diet Cokes.

I went through the secret tunnel and made sure to say hi to the robots in case they want to turn against me. Mike says that we can always get rid of them once we've built the wall but we still haven't gotten rid of all the dirty traitors in the country so I want to keep them around. Vladdy was waiting in front with his invisible flying car. He was shirtless because he's a vampire and it's also super cold in Russia so he doesn't feel anything anymore. He also had a giant gold medal (which I think he was wearing because he can't go to the Olympics. I told him we wouldn't go either if it would make him feel better which he said it would but we would have to blame it on Korea which is cool.)

“Hi Vladdy!” I said, totally cool and not at all freaking out.

“Hi Donald!” he said, and I got a boner. We got into his super secret car which he says you can only buy in Russia because they are so awesome and went to the concert. On the way I told him about how the investigations were going and how everyone was saying I was great even though I was surrounded by dirty traitors. He nodded and asked me to speak a little louder into the microphone. When we got there we both got out of the car and we listened to Casey Ryback.

 

> Oh baby, I'm gonna mess with you  
>  I'm gonna grab those pretty women  
>  I'm gonna grab 'em by the hand  
>  You know, the whole wide world gonna know – sang Casey Ryback.

“Casey is so fucking manly.” I said to Vladdy, pointing to him as he kicked someone's head in because that's what he does.

Vladdy looked at me super sad and I was wondering if he was still thinking about the Olympics.

“What's wrong,” I asked as Casey kicked a few more people in the face. I didn't really care but I wanted to make out with Vladdy and I wouldn't be able to if he was thinking about someone else. “I want to make out with you and I won't be able to if you're thinking about someone else,” I said.

“Really,” he asked me, and put his manly arm around me as we both kicked someone in the face.

“Really,” I said. “Besides, Casey Ryback has never fought a bear, or rode a horse shirtless , or killed all his critics because they're TRAITORS!” He looked happier and drank an entire bottle of vodka at that.

We had a great time for the rest of the night and hung out with Casey Ryback punching people and kicking them in the head. He gave us some fur hats and we got back in the super sweet car, but we didn't go back to the White House. We went to... the Lincoln Memorial.

“Vladdy!” I shouted. “What the fuck? You know Mueller could be hiding in the bushes and waiting for us.” I heard the bushes shaking and I looked around at that but all I saw was Sean Spicer hiding in them so I knew I was cool.

“Donald.” he asked.

“What?” I said. The bushes rustled again, but I told them to shut up.

Vladdy went over to me and I stared down at him. His eyes were red with the blood of his enemies which is super hot and I wondered if I could ever be as hotly evil as him (I know I'm the sexiest but he's Russian which is super hot).

And then he started kissing me and grabbing my balls. Vladdy jumped me and we made out against a tree. He took off my tie and I took off his medal and we were both so sexy it blinded the bushes who kept saying things like “My eyes! Oh God, my eyes!” I even took off my girdle. Then he put his penis into my butt and we started doing it (AN: No, we didn't need lube because vampires are special).

“Make Assholes Great Again” I screamed. I was orgasming over and over again because he's so hot because he's a vampire and Russian and I was hoping he would bite my neck because I've read Twilight (even though Kristen cheated on Robert with that other man which I would never do because I'm loyal and not a TRAITOR). We were going at it and then--

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!”

It was John Kelly!

* * *

 John Kelly led us back to the White House. He was shouting at us and I wasn't really listening to him but if I had been, I think he was yelling,

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

I asked him how he found us and he said something about tracking my phone which is stupid because I was using my secret phone that only I know about because I'm smart. But then I wondered if the robots had told him. Maybe they were working with OBAMA!

We went inside my round office where I have to meet with people and Mike and Sarah were waiting there. It was super annoying because Mike was wearing his robe and kept smoking his pipe angrily. Sarah just kept glaring at me and I missed Sean because there was no way he could glare at me now that he's blind.

“These gay assholes were fucking by the Lincoln Memorial,” he said. And he's stupid because it's not gay because I have slept with a lot of very hot women and Vladdy is a vampire which means it doesn't count like my doctor and lawyer say.

“Homosexual unmarried intercourse!” Mike whispered, all scared and stuff. He dropped his pipe and fainted.

“In public?” Sarah said. “Now I'm going to have mindwipe even more people.” She started getting out her laser pen like the one in that documentary, Men in Black. “What were you thinking?”

“я люблю,” Vladdy said and pulled out a rocket launcher.

John hid under the desk and Mike was still on the floor but Sarah just said, “Okay, whatever, I don't even care any more,” and we got the hell out of there.

Vladdy asked me if I wanted to hold his rocket launcher but I was really tired from all the orgasms so I just put on my footie pajamas and got ready for bed. I came out and he told me I was the sexiest man he ever saw and we made out a little bit more before he turned into a bat and flew away.

* * *

 I had to meet with stupid people the next day so I put another suit and made sure my hair wouldn't fly away. I grabbed a Make America Great Again cap out of my box of thousands and decided to skip all of my meetings and golf instead.

I saw the Church Lady coming so I hid inside Melania's hall of winter death and the Krampus and I waited until he passed. I got up, grabbed my milkshake and got ready to sneak out when someone came running down the hallway. It spilled all over the place.

“Loser!” I yelled and looked up. I was sorry because it was a middle-aged man in a suit which is totally my type. He was glaring at me with red eyes which was another turn-on and I started thinking of Casey Ryback again and how hot we was kicking people in the face. My huge penis began to rise and my erection was full and magnificent.

“çok üzgünüm,” he said and I almost came right there.

“I have no idea what you're saying,” I said, “But that is hot.”

“My name is Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, but I am known as Sultan,” he said.

So fucking hot. “Why?”

“Because I brutally oppress all those who oppose me,” he said.

“Well, I like to get rid of people who don't agreewith me, too,” I said.

We looked at each other and we totally would have done it but I saw a cloud of smoke in the corner and Vladdy was waving to me, holding a flamethrower so I had to go.

Vladdy and I went into my awesome classy bedroom and we passed Sultan in the haunted hallway. He seemed sad and lonely because he isn't me and doesn't have a hot Russian vampire boyfriend and toilets made out of gold because that means that you are super rich and amazing. Vladdy locked the door and I knew he liked the room because it probably reminded him of his medal.

We totally made out and he ripped off my suit which was cool because I can always get more because I'm rich. He sucked on my neck and grabbed my balls again and I was super hard (see Melania I can totally get it up). We were having SEX and it was amazing because it was us and we are the best ever.

“Vladdy,” I yelled as I was mounting him, “I love you!” I was figuring out what to name our future children (If it was a boy? Donald III. A Girl? Tiffany? It sounds good and classy and I haven't used it before) when I saw the tattoo on his arm. It was a heart with a rocket launcher next to it and written on it was... Sultan!

“You loser,” I yelled, and fell off the bed. “You're just like Kristen.”

“нет,” he said. But I didn't care because Robert got his heart broken and he was a vampire so he would have to live with immortal pain and so would I because I'm so healthy that I will live forever too.

“You're a loser,” I said. “You're a.... a... bad hombre.” And with that I put on my suit and ran away.

Vladdy followed me completely naked because he's Russian and doesn't care about the cold and he had a huge penis too but I couldn't even care because I was still thinking about CHEATING TRAITORS! I ran into the round office where Mike was running the government with some other stupid people that run really tiny countries that are so less important than mine but I didn't even care because I saw my enemy.

“Sultan, you loser!” I screamed at him.

Those other people were looking at me but I didn't even care because Putin came in and said, “Ты настоящий полковник!” to me.

Kellyanne was smiling at me with her empty smile and I remembered she was also a vampire but she didn't feed on blood but human suffering and the souls of the innocent. Her eyes weren't red but pools of black that drew people in and sucked out their lifeforce which is why she is totally one of my best friends.

Mike looked at my naked Russian vampire boyfriend and fainted again which was fine because I wasn't paying attention to him anyhow.

“I can't believe you slept with my naked Russian vampire boyfriend,” I said. The rest of the room was busy staring at his penis.

More people fainted.

Vladdy looked all sad at me and I made sure that I wouldn't fall for his manliness again. Who knew who else he had slept with? What if they were liberals? I almost threw up on Mike's body on the floor, but instead I looked at Vladdy's penis again. It was so big.

“Vladdy and I are just friends,” Sultan said, his scowling face also staring at Vladdy. “Good friends who share interests like not making random decisions about the Middle East.”

That bitch. “Fuck you, you loser!” I screamed and ran off, bursting into tears until I reached the Lincoln statue where Vladdy first stuck it to me.

Stupid Vladdy. I saw Sean stumbling around blindly and it only made me cry even more. He had seen our true love and it had been so beautiful. Now it was ruined, just like everything else the liberals touch.

Then I saw a figure diving out of the sky and he was wearing a suit and tie but it wasn't as nice as mine and I realized that he wasn't someone come to say how awesome I was and how America is so GREAT with me around. It was OBAMA!!!

“Fuck, no,” I screamed, but then Obama used his magical EVIL powers and I couldn't move. I had to stop him.

“I'm Making America Great Again!” I shouted and he started screaming so I stopped because my ears really hurt and he was louder than me and that is impossible.

“Donald,” he said. “You have to sanction Turkey for buying Russian weapons!”

But I was distracted thinking about Sultan and he was wrong about how awesome my plans were but what if he wasn't really sleeping with my hot naked vampire boyfriend now and just had in the past like I did with all those really sexy women that totally wanted it from me. We were sexy men and we couldn't help it if people threw themselves at us.

“No, OBAMA!,” I screamed.

He gave me a piece of paper. “No!” I yelled again.

“You have to!” he said. “If you don't, I'll get you impeached and your Russian boyfriend overthrown!”

“But who told you that I was sleeping with the most manly Russian ever?” I asked because someone had to have talked. I knew those robots were bugged!

Obama stared at me for a long time. “I guess you really are that stupid,” he said, and shook his head. “If you don't put sanctions on Turkey, then my FAKE NEWS MEDIA and EVIL SECRET DEEP STATE army will totally get rid of you and your boyfriend.” Then he flew up into the air because he has really EVIL powers that are clearly the work of illegal aliens like that documentary, Men in Black 2.

I shook because even though he wasn't as manly as me or my boyfriend he was working with the FAKE NEWS media that made things up every day. How could I stop them? Just then Vladdy showed up.

“Vladdy,” I said.

“ничего.” he said. He had put on some tights pants and his medal and I couldn't really be mad at him because he was really hot.

“How are you?” I asked even though I wasn't really paying attention to anything but the bulge in his pants.

“Not good,” he said.

“I forgive you for cheating on me just like Kristen did with her vampire boyfriend,” I said, my heart filled with love and my pants filled with my huge, erect penis.

He nodded at me and then we kissed with tongues and everything all the way back to the White House.

* * *

 Obama was super scary and I couldn't help thinking about it all day even as I had to go to stupid meetings and read things in my round office. Kellyanne was there and so was Ajit and Jeff. Sultan and Vladdy both said they couldn't attend my meetings even though they know so much more about this stuff than I do but I think they were busy ordering people to do things in their own countries and I felt sad because I wanted to do that and everyone kept telling me I couldn't just decide things on my own. I put on a really awesome suit and scowled all day to let people know how unhappy I was.

We were signing a bill to ban even more people out of the country when I started crying.

“What's wrong?” Kellyanne asked, her eyes the very void of death.

“Are you on drugs?” I asked because I did make her the opioid czar and she probably knows where to get the good stuff. “OBAMA wants me to sanction Turkey and I don't really want to do anything he tells me to do because fuck him! But if I don't do it, then OBAMA will use his DEEP STATE army to impeach me and overthrow Vladdy somehow.”

Vladdy appeared out of nowhere as if he had been listening in to my conversations magically and said, “What the fuck? Are you that stupid that you think your government could bring me down?”

Tears went down my face and Vladdy glared at me then disappeared again in smoke.

We signed more bills to make poor people's lives worse and then John stomped in. He was super angry and I could tell because his face cracked.

“What the fuck?” He said. “Putin just totally got eaten by a bear in Alaska.”

“Not my hot naked vampire boyfriend,” I cried.

Kellyanne tried to make me feel better by sucking out the life of a random staffer but it didn't help and I went to my gold bedroom and locked the door before John could get in and take away my phone so I'd have to work and not tweet my pain.

I posted about three hundred tweets about how incompetent the National Park Service is and how we should get rid of all limits on hunting since clearly animals have far too much power these days because of liberals and their stupid preservation of nature. Then I went to my office and started playing “Is That All There Is?” fifty times in a row and crying while thinking of all the really happy times we had together like kicking people in the face and making shady business deals and totally letting Assad stay in Syria.

Suddenly, I looked up and saw CNN and NBC News spying on me with their cameras. They were all sneaky and evil and I knew they were making FAKE NEWS right then! Probably about how my Christmas tree-lighting crowd was small even though it was the biggest one ever just like my inauguration.

“STOP MAKING FAKE NEWS!” I screamed at them and began throwing Make America Great Again t-shirts at them. Then I started shooting at them with the automatic assault rifle that those EVIL liberals totally want to take away from awesomely stable people like me. They were screaming and cowering in the bushes and I missed Sean again.

John ran in then. “What the fuck?” he screamed. “We just got another person subpoenaed by Mueller and-- you just shot some reporters?”

Jeff followed him. “He has the right to do whatever he wants because I am the Attorney General and have totally not been in contact with anyone from the land of hot vampires!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” someone said. “You're not even a good liar.”

“Yeah, no I'm not,” he said, stamping his tiny foot, “but I am willing to take away all of your stuff if you fuck with me and I don't even have to have a good reason to.”

“Well, we still have you on tape,” CNN scowled.

“Ha!” I said. “Everyone knows it's FAKE NEWS!”

NBC laughed. “We still have Access Hollywood. And The Apprentice footage. And decades of television interviews. And we will get the pee tape!”

I went cold, mainly because the windows were broken now and I don't live in Russia where you can go naked in the snow if you're a real man. And also because that pee tape was a symbol of my abiding love and respect towards Russian prostitutes.

Jeff put his hand on my hip because he's really tiny. “Not if we stop you.”

I got super creeped out because he wasn't my hot Russian vampire boyfriend.

“And what's it to you?” NBC said, picking up its camera and shaking it because it was totally broken but not my fault at all.

Jeff stared at me and I thought he could hear him humming “I Will Always Love You” under his breath. I started to get faint like Mike does when he's alone with a woman who's not his wife.

CNN looked at us too. “Is it because you're totally in bed with Russia too?”

“It's because I love him in a totally manly, not at all gay way!” he said.

I thought about running away and back towards the hallway of winter death by Krampus but then I heard a scream. At first I thought it was Jeff since I tripped over him because he was so tiny like a small animal that has a tail but I don't know what they're called, they're just really kind of weird and creepy like him.

But it was Sultan and I totally forgot that he was still friends with Vladdy and that they had the whole missile thing going which would be a bummer since Vladdy was gone and Sultan wasn't getting my missiles.

“I just got a voice message on my phone,” he said.

This sucked. “Well, I don't have my phone because someone took it away from me,” I said. Then I thought about it. “Can you get me back my phone?”

“No!” he yelled. “I just have mine and it doesn't matter because I got a voice message and it told me that OBAMA has Vladdy bondage!”

But first we had to go to Walter Reed because I drank too many Diet Cokes and passed out in the office and we also had to take the stupid media because they had been shot and John said that if they died at the White House I wouldn't be able to go golfing that weekend. I wish I was Dick Cheney who could shoot a guy in the face and make him apologize for it. That's manly.

Anyhow, Mike said not to worry about the tapes and that we would totally be fine because we would just say they were FAKE NEWS made up by the media. I tweeted angrily about lying reporters and immediately felt better.

Then Jeff came to visit me and he was carrying a calculator.

“Donald, we need to talk,” he said and I was pissed.

“I'm not going to talk to you,” I said, because I still hadn't forgiven him for recusing himself from the Russia thing since that was the whole reason why I made him the attorney general in the first place. Stupid Jeff. Stupid Mueller. Sometimes it seemed the only one who understood me was my hot vampire Russian boyfriend.

“Go away, loser,” I said to him. “You can't even take care of Russia right. And now you want me to what? Work on a tax plan? Fuck you!”

“It isn't a calculator,” he said, trying to stand on a chair so he could stare into my eyes.

“Whatever,” I said to him. He wanted me to do math and I pay people to do that for me. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

“No,” he yelled. “I lied to the Senate for you plus I totally seized the cameras from the media so they can't prove you shot them.”

“I would have gotten out of it,” I said. “It's not a crime if you're the President.”

“Um,” Jeff said.

“Just leave me alone,” I said. “I want to watch Fox and Friends.”

He sighed and muttered, “When I start this lovin' thang I hit all kind of girls.”

“Are you... are you quoting a Casey Ryback song?” I asked.

He continued, “I'm a love doctor, baby,” and the calculator magically became a phone. If he wasn't a creepy little man, I would have probably been a little turned on, but instead, I said, “Okay, we need to find my hot vampire Russian boyfriend.”

Jeff slumped his shoulders and handed me the phone.

“Hey, is that a phone I see?” I heard behind me. Shit. It was John. “Because if it is, I need to take it away.”

“Take yourself away, cock blocker,” Jeff said and stormed out.

I was bored so I left the hospital and went back to my awesome bedroom to put on another sexy suit and tie. I looked like Andrew Jackson if he had been born hundreds of years later and was as sexy as me. I made a note to get some more of those Indian people (like the one who's in charge of the FCC, I think) and talk about how cool he was with them.

Kellyanne gazed vacantly at me as I passed. “Did you want me to change the nature of reality again today?” she asked.

“I guess,” I said, too depressed to watch her suck the souls of the living and replace them with hollow husks of themselves. Not even signing a bill to plate all the Confederate statues in gold made me feel better. I went back into my office and made sure no one was hiding in the bushes before sobbing and tweeting for an hour about how much the liberals sucked. It still wasn't enough and then John took my phone away. I invited Sultan to the White House. He looked depressed too probably because he didn't have his missiles and also I think he and Vladdy banged in the past.

We said hi to each other, and just sort of sat in silence for a while which meant we were really sad because he wasn't even telling me how great I was and I wasn't telling him how great I was.

Then we started fucking because what else were two sexy, manly men going to do?

“Oh, my fucking God,” said Sarah who was trying to hold a press briefing in the room. “I'm going to have to mind fuck so many people today.”

I realized how much I missed my hot vampire Russian boyfriend and I backed away. “Stop trying to get into my pants to get my missiles,” I said to him. “Vladdy is my true love.”

He screamed and I thought it was because I had kicked him in the nuts, but no, his phone was going off and vibrating in his pocket. It reminded me of my phone.

“Can you get me back my phone?”

“No!” he yelled. “I just have mine and it doesn't matter because I got a voice message and it told me that OBAMA has Vladdy bondage!”

* * *

 At first I wished I was bondage because that would be so hot but then I got scared because it was Vladdy and he's not the one that's bondage. I mean he is if it's me because he says I'm the one that needs to be tied up because I'm a bad boy who doesn't listen and keeps talking all the time which is why I also need spankings and blow jobs.

So I looked for John because he had my phone and I needed to call someone like my ARMY to save my hot Russian vampire boyfriend.

“Church Lady!” I yelled, and he came out from my round office.

“Christ, what do you assholes want?” he asked.

“OBAMA has my hot vampire Russian boyfriend!” we shouted.

John shook his head. “Fuck this shit,” he said, all cold like he didn't care that a really hot Russian vampire was missing.

“No, I need my phone back so I can call my ARMY and we can go kick OBAMA's ass and rescue Vladdy and then we can Make America Great Again!” I begged.

“No. You're not getting you phone back and I don't fucking care about Russia and are you forgetting Mueller is still investigating you and FUCKING GOD, how can we do any of these fucking things we put you in office to do if you keep being SO FUCKING STUPID!!!” He started to leave. “Also, again, FUCK THIS SHIT!”

Sultan looked at me and frowned. “Füzelerim,” he said sadly, probably because it was a nickname for Vladdy and he was so sad and they used to sleep together which was sort of hot except that I wasn't involved which made it less hot.

I imagined that for a while until he said, “Now we go save him,” and then we turned into giant birds and used our mind powers to find him (now we have mind powers deal with it) and then we landed in OBAMA'S EVIL LAIR.

We got out our rocket launchers and we heard a really scary voice say, “YES WE CAN!” It was... OBAMA!!!

* * *

 So it turns out it wasn't OBAMA at all, which sucked because I totally would have kicked his ass. Instead it was James Comey who totally is evil and working for the LIBERALS and probably faked all these e-mails so it's a good thing I fired him because I am awesome with mind powers that can see the future. He was hurting my boyfriend and Sultan and I totally got ready to kick his ass (mostly me because I am awesome).

“But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!,” he yelled  
which probably came from some weird book or something so I'd have to ask Mike because maybe he knows where that fruity shit is from because I'm not a nerd like him. And then Comey started crying at me.

“What the fuck?” I said to him, because I was still thinking about how Mike says weird shit like Comey and I never understand what he's talking about. Like the time he talked about some dude called Leviticus and I was like, whatever, did he vote for me?

“Can I work for you again?” he asked, and I felt sorry for him, but not really, because he was a loser and I don't hire losers, only the best (unless they are DIRTY TRAITORS which I will find out or robots which I will also find out because I DON'T TRUST THEM EITHER).

“Fuck you and those e-mails I said! You can't trick me again, CROOKED HILLARY'S BEST FRIEND!” Then I shot him eight million times like in that police documentary, Robocop.

Then he died. I wasn't sorry about it because that's what you get for not being loyal to the best leader in the world.

“Did you seriously just kill someone,” asked Obama and Sultan and I decided to get the hell out because we are not dealing with the cops right now and so we all went back to the White House because they're not allowed there and I went to my awesome bedroom while Sultan went to get some snacks or some missiles or something, I don't know but he went away.

“Красивая попка,” Vladdy said, already completely naked because he's got mind powers too and he knew I wanted to bang. His sex-pack (I totally made that up and no one has ever said it before) and his giant penis were just for me, but I still felt bad (not about killing Comey because that was fine with me).

“I'm sorry, Vladdy, I know you want to screw me for like a million days, but sometimes I wish I just wasn't so loved that everyone wants to be close to me and I can't love them all. Well, I could but I don't want to. Why can't I be like Ted Cruz or something?” I wasn't actually serious because no one wants to be Ted Cruz.

“It is better to be feared than loved,” Vladdy said, “so why do you care? In my country, we would just kill those who don't fall in line.” He always knows how to cheer me up.

“I know, but now everyone wants things from me. Like the MEDIA wants me to tell them the truth so they can stop making up FAKE THINGS (except not really because they are LIARS) and Jeff wants me to get rid of marijuana and sanctuary cities which is cool but he keeps sneaking into my bedroom to ask me about it and Sultan and I are still banging which is also cool but he keeps looking at my missiles and it's really beginning to piss me off. And everyone wants to work for me but I keep having to fire them because they are DIRTY TRAITORS who keep doing things behind my back that I totally didn't know about at all except if it was smart in which case I thought of it first. Why am I just so awesome and beloved?”

“я просто использую тебя для секса,” Vladdy said, but I was too busy thinking about how much love people had for me and and I kicked him out.

“Just go fuck Sultan,” I said. I knew he'd tape it so that would make me feel better later and I could watch it while eating a bucket of chicken. Now I was too sad because they were probably fucking and I wasn't there and I didn't have any videos, not even the one with the hot Russian chicks peeing on the bed or the one where it totally wasn't me telling Billy Bush about grabbng them by the pussy or even that awesome documentary I was in where I helped a young boy destroy criminals who were probably really Muslim terrorists I think.

But I had to go another stupid meeting (stop sending me to so many stupid meetings if you're reading this and I know you are) and so I put on a suit and went to the meeting. I don't even know what it was about because I was really bored and I didn't have my phone because it got taken away again but it didn't matter because Vladdy showed up!

“I want you to be my bride!” he said, which was awesome because I always wanted to get married. “I used to hate all Americans and thing they were worthless but clearly you have shown me how great some of them are and you are the sexiest one I have ever seen. I love you!” At first I thought I had fallen asleep again because this is the dream I've always had but no, it was real, and he started singing “All the Things She Said,” only he changed it to he because I'm super manly and not a chick. And he was so sexy he sounded like the Beatles, only not weird and hippie.

“OMFG,” I said and they were staring at us at the meeting and those LIBERALS started talking about Russian hacking and collusion, but I threw chairs at them and told them to shut up because they lost the election and I won and I am the best. Then I told him I loved him and we started making out just like Kristen (who is still a CHEATER) and Robert in Twilight. We got out of the meeting and even though the EVIL NEWS MEDIA wanted to tape this because they're perverts who don't understand love I had Kellyanne distract them by talking about how the LIBERALS are the true EVIL because they clearly rigged Alabama and then she sucked out their souls.

Vladdy and I fucked in my room and it was magical and beautiful and you would cry if you saw it just like Sean. He made me come like a million times because he is a SEX GOD and you wish you had him and unlike some people I know he doesn't say that he doesn't want to do it and why do I keep trying to touch him. Also, he is better than the rest of you and you know what I'm going to sleep with him again and you losers can suck it.

[AN: Okay, so unless I got a million more people liking this story and telling me how great it is I'm not updating and then you'll be sad and not know how it ends and it has more awesome stuff like me and Vladdy fucking and people getting kicked in the face and OBAMA and CROOKED HILLARY being EVIL!!!! Oh, and Steve. Get the fuck out of my story. You lost Alabama.]

[AN 2: YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS!!!! NO ONE IS TELLING ME HOW AWESOME THIS STORY IS!!! I'M NOT GOING TO FINISH IT BECAUSE ALL OF YOU SUCK AND YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU DON'T HAVE A RUSSIAN BOYFRIEND. AND HE IS MY BOYFRIEND EVEN IF WE'RE SORT OF FIGHTING RIGHT NOW BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WE'LL WORK THINGS OUT AND YOU'LL JUST BE A LONELY LOSER!!!! SUCK IT, HATERS!!!]


	2. The Infinite Sadness of Donald J. Trump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reality probably makes less sense than fiction at this point.

Screams emanating from the White House were nothing new, especially if they came from the mouth of Donald J Trump, but the content of these particular ones was... new.

“I've just been fired!” screamed Donald as he burst into his office, staffed with loyal (until the next book deal/Mueller interview/random fit of Trump pique) lackeys waiting for his command.

“No!” yelled Kellyanne Conway, who wasn't going to look up from her phone for this, but could certainly start texting every major media station to set up interviews.

“No!” whispered Jared Kushner, who burst into tears, rocking back and forth until Ivanka shushed him and began stroking his hair.

“Ha, ha!” yelled a voice somewhere in the distance. It was hard to make out who it was, but it was most likely Omarosa (or James Comey) (or Sean Spicer) (or Michael Flynn) (or... you know... we really don't know who it was...)

“Can it be? Is it finally Mike Pence's time to shine? I wasn't prepared for this,” Mike said as he opened up his briefcase to reveal a folder marked “Mike Pence's Preparations for the Inevitable Impeachment (Cosigned by Ryan and McConnell).”

“What?,” everyone asked, momentarily distracted.

“I mean, oh, no,” Mike said and quickly closed the briefcase. “This is certainly something I did not see coming and would never have made plans for.” Then he paused. “Wait, I would have been called for this. What do you mean you're fired?”

Donald stomped his feet and pouted. “I wrote a great story – the GREATEST! And someone wrote a nasty comment about it!”

There was a moment of silence before a voice quietly said, “Did you mean flamed, sir?” Everyone looked over to see Hope Hicks standing there, and realized they had no idea when she had actually gotten there.

“Yeah, that's what I said. Flamed!”

At that, Kellyanne wondered if she should delete her text to Fox News. Then she shrugged. She could always make something up to talk about. Jared sniffled a little, but his sobbing had stopped. For now, at least, he would live. Ivanka raised one impeccable eyebrow and continued to not care about anything around her.

Mike sighed. It would have to be the heart attack instead.

It was clear no one wanted to raise the inevitable question, and so Hope did her duty and asked, “So, I have a few questions?”

Donald, who had been sitting at his chair, and playing on his phone, looked up after she kicked it. He scowled. “This better be very important,” he said. “I'm extremely busy tweeting about how much North Korea sucks.”

“You write fan fiction?”

“Of course, I do,” he scoffed. “But it's not fan fiction, it's fan reality. I'm writing the truth of what really happens because no one else can get things right.” He punched his phone with a flourish. “There, I've just said we're going to start World War III if Kim Jong Un doesn't stop being a loser.”

Most of the room immediately bolted to do damage control – some by making last minute media interviews (Kellyanne), some to actually call diplomats to calm things down and get Donald's phone confiscated again (Mike), and at least one to tell his wife and kids that he loved them and that they should possibly go hide in the bunker right now because his boss was an idiot (let's be honest, probably Rex).

Hope just rolled with it. “Back to your... story. So where did you post it? We might be able to figure out who did it if you--”

“Livejournal.”

Okay. She had not been expecting that. Livejournal? Wasn't that sort of an old blogging site now ran by Russians and yes, she had just answered her own question. “Aren't there other sites you could use?”

“Well, I'm not going to post things on Fanfiction,net. People online told me that's where only teenagers go and I'm not Roy Moore. Plus, that other Archive is too full of liberal SJWs that don't understand my genius.”

“Sir, I told you. You can't post a transcript of all your tweets telling people they're stupid for not giving you kudos.”

He kicked his feet petulantly. “I got one kudos and that no name writer got three hundred. They should have banned her for using socks to drive up her count.”

Hope sighed. “Yes, sir. But aren't they a bit... out of fashion?”

“All my friends online said it's where the hip people are. They said people who use other services are... suckers?” Donald looked puzzled. “No, I think it was сука? Anyhow, they've already given me a premium account. For free!”

She sighed again. “Moving on. Your user name is trumpxputin.”

“It means the friendship between our two countries – with my name first because America First!” He beamed proudly. “It has a picture of an eagle and a bear because they're great!”

“And you used it to write-- wait, just let me read it first.”

* * *

An hour later, after the eye bleeding had subsided, and the screaming had gone to a whimper, and the United States had barely avoided nuclear war again, Hope Hicks sat down on a chair and templed her fingers. “I don't even know where to begin.”

Donald looked up from his Diet Coke and said, “What? I was ignoring you?”

“You do know this is My Immortal, right?”

Donald shook his head. “No, it's Immortal Mine. Big difference. I wrote it.”

“No, I mean I can easily Google this story in five seconds and it's clearly this story.”

“No, it's not. Look, the main character is me, not some goth chick and my boyfriend is a Russian vampire, not some Harry Potter vampire.”

“The fact that you know it's Harry Potter-- no, I'm not going there.” Why again was she working here? Oh, right. The money. “Well, some people might think you copied it and just changed a few things.”

At that, Donald looked over to Kushner, huddled in the corner. “It's not plagiarism,” he said. “It's... what did you say it was?”

“An homage,” a muffled voice said.

“A homage,” he said, putting emphasis on the h. “It means I'm not in trouble because I just did a better version of something out there. It was bad before but now it's great.”

“Did Jared know about this?” Hope asked, and then again, mentally kicked herself. Of course he did.

“Well, someone had to write it down,” Donald said. “And it's not me. I'm too busy running the country.”

“My eyes will never be the same,” said the muffled voice sadly. “And my ears. And my fingers. I need to take a shower.”

“So you wrote this great piece of fiction which doesn't resemble anything out there that's been done before about your desire for the leader of Russia whom you deny having a relationship with and now someone has written a bad review of it? Is that the situation?”

“Oh my God, yes,” Donald said, rolling his eyes. “Can we get to the important part where someone is FLAMING ME! We have to find her and lock her up!”

“Why did you say her? Do you know who it is?”

“Duh. It's clearly Crooked Hillary. She's responsible for all of it. I bet she's jealous that she lost the election and that my writing is so much better than hers and more people read me.”

“Well, I've read the review and... I'm not sure she'd say things like 'yur riting is terrible and u r terrible and u r the worst president u can't even write things u loser Russian puppet.”

“Of course she would.” Then Donald jumped to his feet. “Unless it was Obama!”

“Mr. President.”

“Or that German woman, Merkel. Or that French guy, Macaroon. Or the Canadian guy. Or...” and his eyes flashed, “That guy from... MEXICO!”

 

> _Around a table with a laptop on it are sinister figures dressed all in black. They begin laughing maniacally because that's what you do when you're evil._
> 
> _“Hola, amigos and hombres! What vicious things shall we say about Trump today?” says Enrique Peña Nieto, wearing a large black sombrero._
> 
> _“Eh? What aboot something to do with him being smelly or having tiny hands,” Justin Trudeau chimes in, as he pours maple syrup into his... coffee?_
> 
> _“Sacre bleu! That would be hilarious! We should say he is unattractive, not like us French,” Emmanuel Macron adds. He adjusts his beret and takes a bite out of a baguette._
> 
> _Angela Merkel was too busy eating Sauerkraut and listening to Rammstein to say anything, but it would probably have been super mean because she's German and they're mean._
> 
> _“Make no mistake,” says a voice, and everyone stops talking. “We shall take hope away from him because I secretly want to destroy him and am talking to the media to get them to do that!” Obama looms out of the shadows and he is completely menacing and wants to stop Trump from Making America Great Again. “Isn't that right, good friend and fellow conspirator, Hillary!”_
> 
> _“That's right, Obama,” and that crooked, nasty woman who lost the Presidential election steps forward. “I keep ordering the FBI to make things up so that Mueller will have an excuse to bring a great man down. Because I am a woman and that's what we do. We lie.”_

“I'm going to have to stop you right here, sir,” Hope said, cutting into the dream sequence. “Is it possible that it's not an international conspiracy but maybe just some nobody online?”

“Don't you think I thought about that?” Donald snapped. “But everyone out there loves me. It's just losers in Washington who are making up things.”

“Well, I'll have someone look into it sir,” she said. “But it might take some time.”

Donald let out a huff. “I want it done now,” he whined.

“I'll get back to you tomorrow, sir,” she said, walking out the door.

Donald sat back down. Tomorrow? What could he do to pass the time?

Then he turned up the volume on the TV, got out his phone, and prepared to have a productive day of work.

* * *

The next day, Hope came into the office and Donald looked up. “I just let everyone in the country know how stupid the Democrats are and how much the whole Russia thing is a witch hunt. Now where do we stand on the vicious mocking of my love story with Putin?”

She cleared her throat. “Well, we didn't ask any of the world leaders if they wrote it because Tillerson felt it might be taken the wrong way.”

Donald hissed. “Make a note to have Mike Pompeo in his seat by tomorrow. Rex's disloyalty can no longer be tolerated.”

Hope nodded and wrote a note on her tablet. “We also interviewed your staff, sir.”

“And which one of those traitors did it?”

“Well, Kellyanne said she would never write something so mean and then she said she had to go and made up some story that I didn't quite understand. Jared was still crying but Ivanka said that they both loved you and how you could you even think such a thing, Daddy?”

Donald smiled. “My little girl. I love her too and all the boys - Barron, Donald Jr, and the other one.”

She took down another note. “John said, seriously, we're investigating this and asked about priority of resources. Ajit was busy making a YouTube video, but he mentioned that if we wanted to take down any website, let him know and he'll make it happen. Sarah asked if this was going to turn into a whole press briefing and did she need to distract some more reporters with pies because she's out of flour.”

“Good, good. Let Ajit know that I have a list of sites I want gone by the end of the week.”

“And everyone else was too busy panicking about North Korea that I really couldn't get a clear answer out of them. Oh, except for Jeff who wanted to know he was very uncomfortable about the FBI speech and could he just go back to Alabama now?”

“No, he goes when I say he goes,” Donald said, and pouted again. “So no one in the White House?”

“No, sir.”

“And we're sure it's not Crooked Hillary?”

“No, sir. Apparently when our investigator asked her, she began laughing hysterically and had to get off the phone because she was about to pass out.”

“See, I told you. No stamina.”

“Yes, sir. We've also checked into the other Democrats and they said they were too busy trying to decide who gets credit for Alabama.”

“Remind me to yell at Steve Bannon again. Alabama? ALABAMA!” He paused. “Wait-- Did we ask about Mueller?”

She looked at him. “Did the head of the investigation into Russia flame you on a story about how much you love the leader of Russia?”

“Yes? Did he?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, fuck. Comey?”

“Comey said and I quote, 'He hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter.' So ...”

“We don't know?”

“We're stuck on this one. The tech guys tell me there's absolutely no way to trace who made that comment and that whoever did it was an internet genius. Then they started whistling and comparing Rolexes.”

“Damn it!” he yelled. “A perfect crime. Why can't we have that kind?” He pulled out his phone and began composing a tweet.

“No idea, sir.”

* * *

That night, Donald lay in bed, too nervous to sleep. Who could he trust? Hope said it wasn't anyone who worked for him but how could he believe that? What if Mueller had gotten to them? What if it was one of those secret deep state operatives that were destroying his presidency? Who had Obama gotten to? And why wouldn't Kelly let him give everyone truth serum and lie detector tests on a daily basis?

He felt a shift in the bed next to him. “Donald, you need to stop thinking so hard.” He felt a hand rub his back. “That's my job.”

“I'm sorry, Vlad. Did I wake you?” He turned over and nuzzled Putin's chest. “I'm just so scared. Who would have done such a horrible thing? To take someone's beautiful love story and write such mean things about it. All I was trying to do was show the world how wonderful we would be together.”

“I told you Donald, you can't trust anyone here.” Putin patted Donald's head. “Only I know what's best for you.”

Donald pouted, and batted his eyelashes. “But Vlad, don't I need to take care of this on my own to show how manly I am?”

Putin tweaked a nipple playfully. “No, honey. Just leave it to me. We already agreed, right? I'm the brains...”

“And I'm the beauty,” Donald replied. “You're right, I shouldn't worry about these things. It's just... “ He was distracted briefly by Putin's tongue in his ear and a hand dipping inside his waistband.

“Just what, bunny? Are the liberals picking on you again? Because in my country we would just get rid of them and no one would ever question us again.” Putin smiled, thinking of all the people he had imprisoned or had killed.

“Any time anyone says I'm your Russian puppet, I get angry. Because no one believes I got here on my own.” A tear started to roll down his cheek and Putin brushed it gently away.

“Of course, you did. You worked so hard without help from anyone and look at you now! Leader of your own country! With your own red phone and nuclear weapons and willingness to look the other way when we annex all those lands we lost and become a glorious nation once again! Russia will achieve victory in whatever she does and we don't need things like the Olympics! We will hold our own Olympics and those pitiful games they hold in Korea will look like nothing compared to ours!” His hand clenched and Donald let out a yelp. Putin relaxed his fingers, tracing more delicately along his groin.

“What was that?” Donald asked. “I wasn't paying attention. You know once you grab my balls, I forget whatever you're saying.” He arched his back, breathing heavily.

“I know, honey,” Putin said tenderly. “I know.” He reached over to the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out a ballgag. “Now why don't you just shut up and take it.”

Donald opened his mouth wide.

* * *

_Somewhere, in a darkened basement, a figure is typing on a keyboard. The light from the monitor illuminates the writer, who pauses to down another energy drink before crushing the can and tossing it over their shoulder. Contrary to what Donald Trump might think, they are neither fat nor stupid. Surprisingly, they are also not Russian._

“ _U should just stop writing, u tool. Y dont u go to Russia if u love them so much. U are so lame and a loser!!!!”_

_Donald will see this tomorrow and it will cause another rage fit in which he will try to declare war on Iran (whom is he now convinced is the source of the reviews) through a series of angry tweets, culminating in at least half the White House staff stocking up on booze and guns to get through the holiday season._

_The other half will be fired._

_But tonight is a night of big dreams and kinky sex for Donald so he doesn't think about the menace that lies so close to him. For obviously, we all know who the culprit must be. Who else?_

_The figure turns to the invisible camera and grins broadly. She gives a thumbs up to us all._

“ _Ain't a stinker,” Tiffany Trump says._

_That's all folks._


End file.
